Sources Suspect Donald Trump May Have Mistaken Greenland For Yogurtland

The President arrived in Greenland visibly frustrated and confused, loudly demanding of an aide, “Where are all the toppings?”

Sports

TUA TAGOVAILOA RETURNS TO PLAY WEARING NEW GUARDIAN CAP.

The NFL has cleared the Atlanta Falcons QB to start the season under one condition: he wears a custom Guardian Cap made from reinforced tanker steel and a California king mattress.

Asked if his concussion history had him worried about a future CTE diagnosis, Tua responded, “I love scrambled eggs.”

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Lifestyle

HAND MODEL BORN WITH SIX FINGERS ADJUSTING TO AI-SLOP-HATING-WORLD.

Hailey Benson, 34, claims that ever since the birth of AI her modeling gigs have all but disappeared. "I used to not book jobs because I was a deformed freak," Hailey tells us, "but now my photos are being called slop." Many freaks born with abnormalities have been facing similar backlash recently due to what many in the field have coined as 'AI slop'. "I wanna go back to just being a disgusting freakshow who couldn't find work because I'm gross", Hailey added.

Local

MAN SEEN WAITING FOR CROSSWALK SIGNAL LATER FOUND DEAD FROM BEING A PUSSY.

An unknown man who was seen standing awkwardly at a stop light waiting for a 'walk signal' even though the light was green, was later found dead in his driveway. Authorities are claiming that it's most likely related to him being a total bitch. "He probably got killed, murdered hopefully, for being a twat", Sgt. John Pangman of the Chicago PD said during a press conference later last night.

Daily Cartoon

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The Yank

Introducing The Yank - a weekly late-night deep dive into the headlines that deserved a second look… and probably a better explanation.

Hosted by The New Yanker’s own Ron Hollis, the show breaks down the week’s biggest stories and delivers them the way they should’ve been told the first time.